Well, well, well, if it isn’t that season the Humans call, the Holiday Season or Christmas Season, or that holiday that has a lot of hos in it.
My Human would bust my chops if I went around say, “Ho, Ho, Ho,” as that isn’t very nice. Of course, Humans call my friends that have puppies, “Bitches” so you can see how the Human mind works.
Oh, yes, this is a Holiday/Christmas letter to all of you.
So, in keeping with some of the more ridiculous Christmas letters that my Human has read aloud, I will now give you my Year in Review.
Dear Family, Friends and Carnival Barkers,
This has been a mighty fine year, if you are me.
I am still as handsome, and perhaps, more so, than I was last year. Smarter, too.
My Humans seem to struggle with the concept that I am in charge, and that has caused a bit of a conundrum. Each night, I stare at them when they are watching some British drama. I just sit and stare at them until I fear rubbed. They need to learn not to give me the stink-eye. Just because I interrupt their ice cream eating session … that is their problem.
Prince Harry put me in his confidence and told me he was asking Meghan to marry him. I told him he had my approval, and asked if I would be invited to the wedding. He said yes. So I am sure I will give you a report on that.
My friends and I are concerned by all of this brouhaha about what Humans call Sexual Misconduct. You wouldn’t believe how many humpers we have at school. If every dog who humped got kicked out, who would be left to run the place? We are. Asking the same question about the Humans’ Congress and movie industries. We are thinking that within three months, four-fifths of the men in Congress will be sent home with their tails between their legs. And pardon me, but my friends and I take offense when Humans say that the men in Congress are acting like dogs. Pff. They are acting like HUMANS!
The Human is now encouraging me to pee on the Crepe Myrtles. She thought I was killing them by peeing on them, but to her surprise and delight, the Crepes had a huge growth spurt and flowered beautifully. And they are scented by that new fragrance that the smells similar to one of the Kardashian’s. Mine is called, Eau de Pee. It will be As Seen On TV and QVC.
Another highlight of my year was that my Human got a few bumper stickers for her car that are in honor of moi. One says, “My dog is an Honor Student at Camp K-9, and your dog is dumb”
Another one says, “My dog is smarter than you are. Get in your own barking lane.”
And the last one says, “If you pass on a Double Yellow, my dog will eat you alive.”
Some of those might not be very nice, but the message is loud and clear. Don’t mess with the Human or The Boy.
I hope you had a good year. I am sure it wasn’t as good as mine, but maybe next year.
This is the season of love, gifts and Hos, getting their just desserts.
Humans are so weird.
But I love them.
Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays/and HoHoHo
Your Best Friend Forever, or until a million bucks comes along,