An August Sunday

Dew and humidity soup are on today’s menu. It is an August Sunday in the South.

There was a wedding a few houses down, last evening. At least that was the rumor. It is a new couple that I haven’t yet, met.

It has been a week of withdrawal, confusion, peace and sorting.

I withdrew from social media. It was a statement. It was me, saying, enough.

The interesting part of this is. like so many other things in life, there are things going on in my head that are only, partially, related to social media, things I don’t care for, feel helpless to resolve, and making me want to rebel. Going off social media, was my acting it out.

It is much of what is going on in the world and “news,” be it fake or real, that has me in a tizzy, in a state of rebellion. This is me, being like the anchorman in the move, “Network” that said, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.”

I always thought of that man when I saw Dan Rather on the news. I feared he would explode, right there on the air. I mean, really explode, and there would be Rather’s parts, projecting across the screen.

There are those who go with the flow and just say, ah, that is that and it has nothing to do with me. I mean, the world. They have been excellent at creating their personal boundaries, and detritus doesn’t stick in their craw.

There are times I wish I were like that.

But I am not.

So, sometimes, when this all gets to me, I am like a person trying to punch their way out of a sack. Maybe, it is me trying today to the world, in the inimitable words of Leslie Gore, “You don’t own me,” and giving the way the world is, the bird.

Yes, it is a bit petulant.

Another interesting note is that each time I do this, pull this tantrum, of sorts, I learn something new about myself. So, technically, these are growth spurts.

Often these attacks of pique, come in August. That is my month when life, thoughts, ideas, perceived and real, collide. They collide with the dew and the humidity and heat and go boom-chick-boom.

And then, I shake things up. If I could, I’d shake up the world.

It is funny, a friend of mine sent me an email and said that she hoped I would find contentment.

I had to laugh.

For some people, contentment is chilling, being satisfied with all that is around them, or at least, accepting it. Some people see contentment as a destination. Once I am content, life will be in place, fine and stay that way. Contentment, to me, is not a destination. It is a  place I pass through. I can and do get bored with contentment. Fixed points and states in life, are not my thing. I am a creature of change. Contentment, if setting in me too long, brings complacency, and I don’t really care for that.

I like to move. Sometimes, it is moving forward, sometimes backward or sideways up and down. You know why? Because there are things to see in all of those positions. There is no “set-point” for me. My contentment is in challenging myself, my thoughts, my perceptions, beliefs and body.

I do change where I write. I see it as part of my growth. It can be disconcerting for others, but I can’t live for what others think. And as flighty as my writing venue might be, my writing is constant. My marriage is constant, my love for my family is constant, my value of friendship is constant, and many other things I do, are things that create a stability in me. Therefore, I own the right to write in changeable formats, locations, etc. My writing is a constant, too. It isn’t writing that I tire of, it is other things.

So I write through whatever life throws at me. We have been in a challenging time. But, who isn’t?

The behind the scenes aspects of my life are what many people go through, and sometimes, different prickles come together at the same time. So I deal. I do what I tell everyone else to do. One foot in front of the other and to eat that elephant pie, one bite at a time.

So, why the world churns around me, madmen and hate and bad behavior, popping up like really bad acne, I pull plugs her and there, hit reset buttons and drink copious amounts of tea.

My life without a map is just that. There are straight roads, curvy ones, roundabouts, highways, by-ways, backwoods, dead ends and potholes galore. And then, there are Carolina Blue skies, puffer clouds, laughter, the innocence of a child looking at my paintings and asking  me if they are hard to do, a hot cup of tea, a hot bath, and a lovely, lyrical conversation with a friend.

This August Sunday is in full bloom. Not all things or people in my life are in place, at least the places I wish they would be, but life, is what it is, and isn’t what it isn’t. And I will continue to move, grow, laugh and hiccup, for another day.

And I hope you do, too.

Susan

 

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